When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
