You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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