Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
