i jhust puked up my retainher.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
nutella sex= disaster
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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