Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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