Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
