did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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