My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
