I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i already hear my dad disowning me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im holly from the hills drunk
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
