nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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