Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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