if you like me you must not know who I am
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
