After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
