There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
