Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
