if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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