You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
home. puking in laundry basket.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
