Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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