OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
