just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So many bounce houses so little time
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
