I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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