I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
