I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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