I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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