Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
