When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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