I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
