listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
