I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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