I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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