he thought i was a dude.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
that may or may not have been my penis.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
