I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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