Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
