Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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