Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
