Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
