the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
