Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
