My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
