I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
