John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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