I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
