I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
