If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She bit a glass in half.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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