I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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