You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
