I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
