At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
