Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
