Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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