After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
